When someone close to us suddenly is gone forever, I guess we all are full of regrets. I know I was. Why did I not tell him more often that I loved him? Why did I yell at him when he was a teenager and revolted against me? Why wasn’t I more understanding towards him? Why, why, why? I did this, said that; I didn’t say this, didn’t say that…I felt like a really lousy mother. And now there was no way that I could ask his forgiveness. I tormented myself day and night for a long time.

About 1 1/2 years after Tom’s death, I had this dream: I find myself on the 1. floor of a house, and I hear someone coming up the stairs. I call out in joy: Is that Tom coming? It really is him. He walks into his room and sits down on the bed. I suddenly realize that he is heavily intoxicated and looks totally lost. He is talking non-stop in unrecognizeable and incomprehensible sentences. I try to make contact with him, but he does not pay any attention to me. Then I say to him: Tom, I care so very much about you. He then lifts his head and meets my eyes, answering: Yes! His voice is clear, his eyes focused. I tell him again, firmly : I love you. He answeres one more time : Yes!

I believe that this dream is trying to tell me something important. When he is lost, I reach out to him in love. And I get another chance to tell him that I love him in this dream. He sees me then, and he listens and appriciates the gift I want him to bear in his heart: Your mother loves you, Tom. Always and forever.



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