Reflections in the mirror
As time passed after Tom was gone, I discovered through my dreams that their content was just as much about myself as about him. They were a mixture of my grief and loss and my longing for to see him again, and all the questions I had myself concerning death. Although I believe that there is not any existence at all after death, it is very hard to grasp the fact of “nothingness” and complete emptyness. It’s like imagening how it was before I was born, and I am not able to do that. Is anybody? I don’t think so. In several dreams, I could not help myself from asking Tom about his daily life, although I soon noticed that he hesitated to give me answers. But then again, how could he?
I had this dream in 2009: My cellphone is suddenly ringing, and my heart jumps with joy when I see Tom’s name on the display. He is really there, and we talk for a long time about this and that. Tom is in his usual good mood, and everything feels right. Then, suddenly, I remember that he is dead, and I start wondering how he possibly can call me. When I ask him, he silences. Once more I urgently ask him to tell me, but he says nothing. I just can’t seem to stop myself, and I ask him a third time. He then says, slowly: Hmmm…..And he hangs up.
I breake down and start crying like mad. Someone beside me remarks in an overbearing tone: “You have to stop whining like that”. I feel a sudden rage rise inside my chest, and I turn to her and kicks her on the leg as hard as I possibly can. Afterwards, I feel much better.
I think this dream tells a lot about my state of mind at the time. In the prosess of raising awareness it was of great help, especially because I never felt any anger concerning what happened to my son. But it was obviously there, and in my dream I let it loose. Dream therapy……The brain works in mysterious ways.
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